All is healthy :)

We had our anatomy scan on Tues of this week, and baby looks beautiful! At 19 weeks, HR was 143 BPM and she estimated baby’s weight at 10 ounces. Baby was crazy moving around! It really is amazing to see the baby so developed at this stage. AND, it’s a GIRL! 🙂 Bring on the bows, dresses, and all things pink! I can’t wait 🙂 We got a picture of her little face, one of her sucking her thumb, and another one giving us a thumbs up…as if she’s saying, “all is well in here guys!” lol..The tech also said she had some pretty long legs! I knew I would be emotional, but instantly when she’s said “you guys have a little girl,” the tears came rolling. It is such a wonderful feeling to know our little daughter is healthy. My blood pressure was even good today, which made my OB very happy.

This was probably one of the best days of my life thus far.

14 week appt. & nerves

We got to hear the baby’s heartbeat again!  At 14 weeks 4 days, the HB was 140BPM.  My OB’s plan at this visit was to complete my annual pap.  However, I was a little nervous about having a pap done during pregnancy.  I know it is normal protocol, but it still doesn’t seem like it would be a good thing to mess with the cervix.  I voiced my opinion and she said we didn’t have to do it today, but we need to do it sometime during the pregnancy.  I just want to wait until after I give birth.  I have never had an abnormal pap, and I heard a recent study found that if you have never had abnormal pap and are under a certain age, you only need one every 3-5 years.   But, she didn’t seem to be backing down, so I guess I will have to have one at some point.

Our next appt is the anatomy check and we decided we are going to find out the gender!  My husband was a little reluctant, but we compromised and said we would find out with the 1st and leave the rest of our future children to be surprises.  I explained that this is the only one we will have a baby shower for, so I would really like to know and just be prepared.  I am such a planner, so surprises are hard for me.

On the down side of things, my blood pressure was a little high again.  136/81, which is not horrible, but the OB still did not like it.  I showed her my blood pressure diary I have been taking at home, which is always in normal range.   My blood pressure diary didn’t seem to matter though.  What matters is that when I come to my appointments, my pressure is high.  So, they have to take all precautions and assume it is high all of the time.  She explained how things would continue if my blood pressure remains high at my OB checks.   She stated we will have more scans and tests run to make sure the growth of the baby isn’t hindered.  I instantly thought “yes!”…more chances to see my little one!  I honestly believe my blood pressure is only high when I am at my appointments due to stress and anxiety.  I get really nervous that things have gone wrong, I still do, and probably will until I see a healthy baby at the end of this.  She honestly just freaked me out more by explaining how having high blood pressure can have detrimental effects on our baby.  I am such a worry wart, and for everything to have happened to us thus far, it is hard to just relax.

Just trying to take one day at a time and be grateful for our blessing!

 

 

HB confirmed..time to tell the family!

I had my freak out appointment yesterday and it was good!  I apologized to my OB for not being able to make it the whole 4 weeks between appointments, but she reassured me that this is what she is here for.  She was so nice and understanding to my concerns.  I really could not ask for a better OB.

It took her what felt like forever to find the heartbeat with that little fetal doppler.  She explained that this is why she does not recommend home dopplers.  Even with medical grade equipment and an MD performing the process, it took awhile.  I know for sure that I would freak myself out if I had one at home.   At one point, she even said, you know what, lets just do a quick ultrasound, because we could be here for 20 minutes.  She kept trying to reassure that this was normal and at 12 weeks, it’s still like finding a needle in a haystack.  Finally, she found it, and it was beautiful..160BPM.  🙂

From here on out, I promised myself and my husband that I am going to try and relax.  I know that there will always be nerves and anxiety, but I need to enjoy this pregnancy.  This baby deserves so much more joy and appreciation than I have allowed myself to give simply due to the fear of loss.  Truth is, I am so excited!  I cannot wait to meet this little one and I cannot wait to see my husband as an amazing father!  We are going to announce the pregnancy next week on our mother’s birthdays.  It has been so hard to keep this pregnancy a secret and I can’t wait to spill the beans!

Breaking down..

Alright, it’s been exactly 1 week since our last US and wouldn’t you know it, I’m freaking out.  I still have pregnancy symptoms, but that’s not enough for me.  I know that you have pregnancy symptoms until your hormones return to normal level, so the symptoms would last awhile if I were to have a loss at this stage.  I just can’t relax.  On the bright side, my blood pressure has actually been really good.  I just want to tell our parents and family that we are expecting, but I don’t want to wait until after 14 weeks, which is what I’ll be if I wait until the next appt.  Also, both my mom and my mother-in-law’s birthdays are at the end of October, how cool would it be to tell them on their birthdays!  I’m contemplating calling and asking for a doppler for heart rate only.  I really don’t want to be the crazy, difficult patient, but we have been through a lot.  I think I deserve the peace and mind of knowing everything is good before we tell our families.  To call or not to call?

This is really happening..

The past couple of weeks, I have had 2 episodes of borderline high blood pressure.  At this early in the game, it most likely cannot be pregnancy related.  I believe I just get so anxious and stressed about the pregnancy, that I work myself up.  I had one day that I felt so sick, dizzy, and was seeing spots.   Took my blood pressure and it was 140/90.  I went in for a BP check at the doctor and it was the same number.  I was told just to watch it daily.   Now, when I take my BP at home, it is never high, it is 120/80 or lower.  So, I haven’t really been too worried about it.

We had our 2 week follow up appointment today and I was super nervous going in to the appt, so of course, my BP is going to be high.  We arrive and things get off to a bad start.  The unit clerk, who mind you is not very friendly sometimes, said alright I have you down for an appt. with the doctor.  I informed her that I’m actually here for an ultrasound.  I informed her that I do not need to see the doctor, nothing has changed, but we are just making sure everything is still progressing.  She proceeds to inform me of the “normal procedure.”  She said “ma’am, the normal procedure is a scan at 8 weeks and 20 weeks.”    I unleashed.  “Excuse me, but my situation is not normal..I’ve had multiple losses and I’ve had a scan at 5 weeks, 6 weeks, 8 weeks, and now this is supposed to be my 10 week scan.”  So, please do not inform me of your normal procedure, because I wish with every bit of me that my situation had been normal.  Ugh, some people and their high horse…don’t mess with me!  She finally said, alright, let me call back and see what the doctor wants to do.  So much for a good blood pressure check today!

I sat back down with tears welled in my eyes.  My husband was just trying to calm me down.  Seriously, I have counted down the days until this US.  Both my husband and I took off of work this morning to get this ultrasound!  I was determined that I was not leaving without one.  We waited for another 20 minutes before we knew if they could get us in.  The nurse called me back and apologized for the mix up, (which is what the witch unit clerk lady should have done), and said we can get you in for a quick scan and then you’ll see the doctor afterwards.  Thank the heavens!

To my surprise, we could finally do a belly US.  This was my first one!   As I have not been far enough along yet with any of the other pregnancies to have a belly US.  As soon as she put the doppler on the belly, I saw that little precious HB and was instantly relieved.  10 weeks 5 days…everything looked good!  Heart rate measured at 158 BPM.  We could even see the hands and feet today, and the baby was constantly moving.  It looked like it had the hiccups or something because it was rhythmically bouncing.  It kinda freaked me out, like it was having seizures or something, but the tech said was normal.  Anyways, we are very excited.

Lastly, they took my blood pressure (yes, after all of this crazy excitement), and of course, it was high. 141/95.  The doctor said she truly believes it my anxiety and nerves coming to these appointments, which is understandable, but I need to try and relax.  I have to keep a BP diary and also did a lab work up to check for underlying issues.  Hopefully, I can keep this BP under control!

Overall, it was a good day 🙂  Today was the first day, I felt like this is real.  This is really happening.

Baby looks good!

We normally have the same US tech in the same room.  Today, we had a different tech in a different room.  The room freaked us out because we had only been in this room one other time, and it was when we found out the devastating news of our 2nd baby not having a heartbeat.   I let the new US tech know that I was extremely nervous and our prior history.  And she announced there was a heartbeat the very second that she could.  She said the baby looked like a textbook baby, and then said “let me tell you everything that is perfect about this baby.”  I loved those words.  She was so very nice and comforting.  She described the baby as having a nice “chubby head,” lol.  She could even point out the spinal cord developing.  Heartbeat was 166 BPM 🙂

Meeting with my OB allowed me to relax yet a little more.  The OB was very excited at the looks of everything.  She explained that the yolk sac has a perfect shape, which if it is abnormal that could sometimes show a sign of miscarriage or chromosomal abnormalities.  I explained to her my worries and anxiety about waiting 4 weeks for another US, and she immediately said I could have a follow-up in just 2 weeks.  I talked to her about the at home doppler for the fetal heart rate, and she advised against it.  She said that it is actually pretty difficult sometimes to find the heart rate and with someone who is already anxious and constantly worried, it will only create more worry when I cannot find the HB.  I agree with her, I am not going to purchase a doppler.

Good job us…so far! 🙂

Haunting dream! :(

Now, I have some weird, and very vivid dreams.  But, this one was such a nightmare.  Last night, I had a a dream that I started bleeding, went to the bathroom and out came this metal device/box thingy that I called my baby.   I picked it up and I could feel it’s heart beating in my hand.  I knew in my dream that I was miscarrying, and as I was holding this metal box, it’s heartbeat became slower and slower until eventually it stopped beating.  I woke up crying and gasping for air.

I was so uneasy today, all because of this stupid dream.  What if my baby’s heartbeat stopped at that very moment I was dreaming about it stopping?  I know this is not possible and it was just a dream, but it sure gave me a bad feeling all day!  Ugh…3 more days until that dreaded, nervewracking ultrasound, that I cannot wait for…

So far so good…

Surprisingly, I am surviving pretty well this week.  Trying to keep positive thoughts.  My symptoms are still pretty strong, with some pretty bad nausea.  It’s a weird feeling though, because I enjoy being nauseated.  I am only truly at ease when I am nauseated because I feel reassured that everything is okay in there!  I have noticed that I am not as scared to use the bathroom anymore.  I would say during the first two weeks, I examined every piece of TP and was pretty scared to look down.

Also, I have been wanting to do something to honor our 3 losses.  I saw all of those miscarriage necklaces online, which are cute, but seem to be super expensive.  I decided to make my own!  Made a trip to Hobby Lobby and I found two charms, one that is an angel wing and the other is a little charm that says Hope.  The hope charm symbolizes the hope that we have for our future family.  I put them on a necklace chain I already had and wala! Only $4.  I love it and may never take it off.  I may go back and buy the 3 colors of their birthstones as well.

.

Tomorrow marks week 8.  4 days until that next ultrasound.  Prayers needed!

Beta #3

HCG at 6w 1day was 45,835.   Seems like a promising number.  My OB called and said they needed to re-schedule my next appt.  So, it is now not until the 24th of this month.  I know I am lucky to have early ultrasounds, but I feel like 24th is forever away!  I have still not allowed myself to become excited about this pregnancy.  I asked my husband last night, “is this really happening, do you really think we are going to have a baby?”  His response was “yes dear, this is really happening.”  He believes this is it.   There is no doubt in his mind that we will bring this baby home with us.  However, I feel like this will not be real until I am much further along, finished with these excruciating first 13 weeks.  Then, I may get excited.  Then, there is the feeling of guilt.  It makes me sad  for this baby that I have not allowed myself to become excited for it.  This baby did nothing wrong, I should be overjoyed for this new life inside of me.  However, because of our past struggles, I am just torn up inside.  Worried every second that things may be going wrong.  Every twinge or little pain makes me question, is this normal?   The waiting game continues.  Until then, I will try to remain positive!

How to not freak out..

Ok, I know I’m pregnant and we have heard the wonderful little heartbeat.  I feel so very blessed at this instant.  But, how do I really know everything is still okay?  I wish I had a little monitor I could just look inside and see.  Our 2nd miscarriage happened at 6 weeks and 3 days, the day after we heard a beautiful heartbeat.  However, we went another 3 weeks before finding there was no longer a heartbeat.  So, this period of time is when somehow things took a turn for the worse for that 2nd miscarriage.  I feel so uneasy every minute of the day, and it is not fun.  I feel better when I feel nauseated, but one could also feel nauseated and things could still be going awry.  My husband has even called me out a couple of times because I have been super grumpy.  Yeah, I have pregnancy hormones raging through my body, but I truly believe the reason I am grumpy is because I’m anxious and worried.  How do I keep my mind off of these negative thoughts?  I am sure is not good for the baby.  I have two full weeks before my next US.  Please fastforward these next 2 weeks!